Sep. 17th, 2010 02:50 pm
bryndel: (Default)
[personal profile] bryndel
Gosh, I hate having so little money. Makes the exorbitant basic college expenses look all the more exorbitant, I tell ya, and it's just... so stressful! So very frustrating, especially when I can look around and see all of the people I know who are in somewhat similar straits spending what seems like a lot of money to me on things I'd like to buy, but...well...can't. Makes me wonder wth they get all that pocket change from. >.<;; And I know it's not all credit-carded and staved off 'til later, ugh. It isn't that they're horrible unthrifty and irresponsible, either; it's just...not exactly jealousy-inducing, as I truly am happy for them and all the little things they can gather 'round them that make them a bit happier, it's just that I wish I could do the same to the same degree. It increases my isolation. (That's actually what sparked this journal entry; I just turned down an invitation to a small dinner party for church volunteers at a local restaurant.)

I don't feel like I'm a very greedy person at all or asking for a lot, but... I can certainly understand why J.K. Rowling said the absolute best thing her newfound riches gave her was peace of mind. Sigh. That's actually one of the things I ...I don't think you can call it prayed for, exactly, when I'm not talking to God or anyone else, but wished for, I guess, and resolved to work for, at the little annual church ritual back around New Year's. Peace. Yeah, that would be nice, on a lot of levels (corny as it sounds to hope for wold peace, too--which seems only a little harder to gain than mental peace on a more personal level sometimes *snorts*).

I don't really want millions. (If I won the lottery I would totally pour it all into an animal rescue...heh. After I paid for school, that is.) Right now, in fact, all I really want is enough for the basics and a little bit extra, for the occasional small fun outing with friends. I don't do concerts or movies or anything of that sort normally, jayzus. I don't buy CDs or even books very regularly at all--the rare "splurge" of buying my favorite author's latest book (ONE BOOK, I reiterate) feels like a hefty splurge indeed. And yet every time I want to go to anything or buy anything, no matter how small, it feels like this massive, guilt-trip-laden decision (yeah thanks parents); even just driving someplace is worrying and expensive since we live rurally and my aging van is losing gas mileage steadily. My boyfriend is actually very good about getting a lot of thoughtful little things for me, mind you, but I feel guilty because I already feel like I lean on him a little too heavily for things like that--I WANT to pay for a McDonald's run now and then, dammit. The unfortunate thing, too, is that he also tends to pick up any of the smallish/affordable stuff he wants, which means I feel like I have very little to give him back. Very little indeed. : 0-C I have a plan to make him a few art things, including one big project I'm HOPING I'll have done by Christmas at the latest, but with how things have been going these last few years I've barely been able to even keep doing my dumb little sketchbook doodles and work on stories I love, much less finish an actual piece of art. It's driving me insane. And the stress of this, ironically, messes with my health and attitude even more than actually being sick does, often.

I'm looking forward to getting out of my parents' house and moving AWAY to college again sometime next year, but...yargh, money may be even tighter than now because I very well may not have any jobs at all up there, not even the crappy little part-time petsitting and t-shirt-selling stuff I'm doing now. And though my parents support me monetarily, it feels--grudging, somehow? >.<;; --which makes it very hard to ask them for any more even when it's for necessities.

I hate it. I really do.
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